Personality 01

The New

2009-08-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Now as a kid, everyone seems to wonder about how it is to be an adult. Will I be driving Ferrari or Porsche, just like the one I now play with? Where will I live, in a comfortable house in the outskirts of England, or the flat with my mom and dad? Will I work as somebody important, maybe even famous, or I'll just become the work slave like my mother coming back from the afternoon 8 hours of physical body torture, all tired and lousy? Will I get married and have a wonderful opportunity to hug my wife in the evenings or I'll still maintain having the problems to ask the girl out, cause she's surrounded in a shell of her girlfriends? It was all not knowing back then, but now... Well, now it is still not really knowing at all.

I have recently discovered an enormously strange thing in my life - I'm 20, 21 soon to become, but still - a young man. I have not even started my university education yet, but the priorities I have now in my head, that I should have already achieved, are simply as if I were at least ten years older. I want a good car, even better job, the best family and the greatest life of all the lives. It occured to me yesterday, that some time ago I have suddenly stopped to give myself a credit in life for being still young and hard working. Blinded by what other people posess and enjoy, I judge myself as not good enough for what I wish I already had. Where is the young will and strength to fight for mine and realize the desires? I lost that completely! It's just as if I look at myself being twenty (21 - give you that again) through the mirror of adult, responsible carreer-family-social mirror. The grocery list:

WHAT ALREADY DONE:
Well, I'm twenty (one...) and I have worked in many places by now, having an experience in so many different jobs that I actually know a lot about many kinds of how to make money using physical and mind abilities of mine. And I'm going on!

The woman part - well, looking at my fiance, soon-to-be-my-wife-I-hope, I've realised that in 120% hands down.

The fancy car - well, Porsche sellers don't come knocking yet and Ferrari is still what I've sat in once, but I need to have something left for "one day":]

The house - is standing, now I need to make it good.

WHAT YET TO ACHIEVE:
The carreer. the Carrera 4s, the Car-penters-hard-work-to-afford-all-that, the Carving through difficulties to educate, graduate and celebrate, the Cartoon solid house needs to be turned into solid house and Carrying on, for God's sake...

Dustland fairytale ain't done yet.

It's all in my head.

2009-07-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I came to realize that most of my dreams (almost all of them, to be exact) will never be turning to reality. Not that I don't believe in myself or in ability of mine to make them a part of my everyday life - it just woke me up couple a days ago, when I was lying in bed, thinking the mysteries of life through, when it hit me. My dreams?

I'd like to live in a modern house (that one may actually happen, but it requires hella lot of work and even more money, which I am expected to make over the years), have an american car (Caddy CTS would be enough, but the real dream is either a Mustang from the sixties or El Camino, never gonna happen with the prices of gasoline that high here). I dream of being a sponsored snowboarder, get to travel and ride the globe, wherever the snow is (that one combines my passion for snowboarding and my need to be noticed - yeah, I live with that one, all my life I was 'average' or 'minor', that would definitely change that). I want to be a good father for my potential kids, be an influence and authority, a good parent and husband. I'd like to move to USA for a month and live there as an american citizen, just to see what it's like. I'd like to be missed after I die and remembered as a good person. So much dreams, twenty one years passed and none of them are done.

Have to admit - the chances of realizing that list are minor, even scratching for an impossibility. Why? Oh, simply. Having a big modern house requres me to make enough money to rebuild my current house (which is not even mine, by the way) and that makes it possible maybe in my late fourties or fifties, when I'll be too old to enjoy it as much as when I'm young. Cadillacs (or any other american cars) are symbol of richness here and they are expensive to afford and use every day. Classic american Mustangs or El Caminos don't have the right of living here - simply because the winter or cold, or rain, or other dumb drivers or lack of services for that kind of vehicles makes them diabolically expensive to have. Sponsored snowboarding is for guys in my age, who are already ripping on the board - I'm just 'average', my knees shake when it comes to a bigger rail, and I never even thought of flying like human frisbee (about to try this season maybe). The fact is that I'm not good snowboarder and the worst skateboarder I know, because I suck. Too scared to do tricks, even more to land them - that's the carreer that never gonna happen to me, no matter how bad I want it. It's one of the biggest pains in my ass now - being a turd, an average turd. Looking at my character and my knowledge about raising kids is way too low and I don't have a man's hand to raising them, so I probably won't be respected father after all. I don't have enough money to move to America, even for a day, not speaking about a month and I'm way too average to be remembered for more than a few months after my death. Generally, I suck.

I'd need to turn my life around to make those things possible and live like I want to live. I'd need to be pro snowboarder, good enough to make money for my expensive, modern house in USA. I'd drive El Camino for my private trips and an Escalade, to look good whe rolling down the moundain. My family had not to expect me being a family guy, but loving and respecting me nonetheless. Rich athlete with loving family, nice house and even nicer car, with a lot of self respect and friends all around the globe is an unchaseable dream. Right now I'm at the point of my life when it hits me how sad I really am. The carreer I plan has nothing to do with my dreams, but hardeness of life made me stay away from them. I don't even know is success ever gonna happen for me, but somehow I live my life, day by day, and still enjoy good moments and still - sometmes even I don't know why - with hope for those dreams to come true. Not all of them, but maybe some. Maybe at least one or two...

Ending up positively. There was a quote in My Name is Earl's fourth season episode "Chaz Dalton's Space Academy" that fits here just fine:

"You know what the Space Ship is filled with? Dreams."

Ready, set...

2009-07-23T14:43:00.001-07:00

One hundred and sixty five posts have been deleted.

That's basically how I start. I used this blog last time about two years ago, then I moved to the new website and ever since, I haven't wrote a damn creative thing. Needless to say I was writing in a different language, different posts style and living another live. How does that compare to now?

Well, my name is... wait, I can't tell you that, that's what this is about, guess you'll find my name anyway, somehow, somewhere. I live in the small house in the mountains with my girlfriend (who's about to become my wife next year) and my in-laws. How did I happen to live there is one hell of a story, worth telling you some day. I work as a receptionist in a three-star hotel, actually I'm doing it right now, having my night shift and nothing special to do, ever since all the guests are either sleeping or having sex in the rooms, toilets or terraces. Writing this is my second occupation after having to write some stuff about Customer Relations Marketing, which leads you to my second job - writing the website tag texts for website company. I don't drive a car, after being through two vehicles I shared with my parents (what ended up bad every time - that's another story), so everywhere I get from here (to the city, meet friends, parents etc) I have to take a bus, which costs me money, time and comfort of non-scheduled traveling. I don't make enough money to have a car anyway, I'm saving every penny I make for next year plans and I don't even know if I'll make it to the day when I'll buy my very first entirely owned car. Still hoping though.

My girlfriend is a firecracker. She's pretty and that's obviously being noticed by other male representatives, what makes me crazy and desperately searching my pockets for a gun or at least well sharpened knife. I am jealous, I really am, can't help it. We're getting on pretty well, though I make her mad at me at least once a day and she's definitely not the type of "sorry, sweetie, I just wanted to tell you that I don't feel OK with you doing that". She's burning villages and towns but hell, that's what I signed up. And I love her.

What do I do with my free time, when I have it? Besides spending it with her and depending on the weather, I snowboard or skateboard whenever I can. I spend too much time using the computer and blogging, twittering, myspace(ing?) and watching My name is Earl, episode by episode, being a true fan of Jason Lee and Ethan Supplee's talent to make me laugh. That's how I'm living.

How do we get from deleting one hundred and sixty five posts that I wrote with my heart and my mind about two years ago to now? Well, the story is long and worth telling, but that needs to be done through time, I can't just lay it all down like this. It's worth reading, though, cause even if I will not impress you, I'll try to make a point worth remembering, at least for myself. I need to write, express myself and see my rights and wrongs. Still I would enjoy you reading this, after all it's not a private diary, it's a blog. The one I want to run and probably the only one writing thing I want to be true with.